


what angels dream of

by GalacticGoldfish



Category: Granblue Fantasy (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Crying, Heavy Angst, Identity Issues, M/M, Pining, Pining Sandalphon, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-20
Updated: 2019-04-20
Packaged: 2020-01-20 18:36:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18530800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GalacticGoldfish/pseuds/GalacticGoldfish
Summary: set in post-purpose reveal, pre-rebellion sandalphon gives lucifer a chance to come clean about what his purpose is. but with doubt plaguing his mind and heart will any answer really sooth sandalphon's newfound emotions towards the other man? when all he's ever felt is love and adoration towards him how can he bare this bitterness that has been growing in his heart in it's place?  how far will he be willing to go in order to find himself? and what will he do when finally faced with lucifer's answer to the ultimate question, what is his purpose, when he already knows the true answer?





	what angels dream of

**Author's Note:**

> this was written for @/xuciferous on twitter dot com!

It was a cold sweat that awoke him again this time. Sandalphon could feel the sick stickiness of his body clinging to the sheets. It was disgusting to say the least. The images that had been running through his mind, the fears that had pierced him. They only came when he slept deeply. His throat was dry as he rubbed his blurry eyes into some sort of coherence. Nothing had been right lately. Nothing had been right since that day. Nothing felt like it was going to be the same since he had heard it. Did the other's have to deal with these sorts of nightmares and dreams? No. Probably not. 

Their purpose had meaning. They weren't kept awake at night by the fear that at a moment's whim that they would be eliminated just because they were no longer required. If he was just a replacement then... And Lucifer hadn't said anything in the slightest against it. He hadn't questioned it. He hadn't told them off for calling him nothing but an empty replacement. Was that why it was so important to him that he liked the same things? That they were of of one mind about so many subjects?

His hands raised to grasp his head to stop the thoughts from intruding into his mind. Even now all he could think about was the fact that he had no purpose. With Lucifer. With anyone. All this time he had hoped and prayed that maybe, just maybe his purpose was... It was stupid to think that he could be... There were no skies for him to rule over. No seas for him to attend. He couldn't make things grow with a wave of his hand but he had hoped perhaps that his presence at least meant something. But to hear that he could be discarded as easily as that... Simply because Lucifer was flourishing.

His stomach and heart burned for the moment. Never a day in his life had Sandalphon wished anything but good fortune on Lucifer and even in his current state he had trouble wishing him ill. He didn't want anything bad to happen to him. All he wanted was to have a purpose but as long as the Supreme Primarch was still able to do his duties he had none. He had nothing. In this world, in this lab, even in the garden, he had absolutely nothing to call his own. What point was there to continue if he didn't have a purpose he could fulfill?

It was obvious that he wouldn't be able to sleep in this state. Not when he could barely think about laying back down without his mind racing towards what had been a nightmare. Was that what he was destined to dream of now? Being cast aside? Being removed in his sleep? If the time came where they decided he was no longer good enough to stand by Lucifer's side, even as a useless decoration, would they come for him? Would Lucifer let them? Desperately as he paced his room he wanted to believe in his heart of hearts that Lucifer would protect him from the ax if need be.

But who could he trust? How could he trust? When his existence meant nothing? Pulling himself out of bed he wandered towards the door, stopping only for a moment to pull on the dressing gown that hung there. It wasn't like it was cold but the article of clothing had been a gift. A gift from Lucifer. The day he had received it all he wanted to do was put it on and show it off. Sandalphon had been so proud of that gesture of kindness then. Now though it felt as though it was mocking him. The pale fabric a vicious reminder of Lucifer's soft white wings. The ones he had dreamed of...

His fingers ran over the delicate design on the sleeve. Woven purple and gold filigrees that wound around each other in a design that he had spent so much time in tracing over and over again. Thinking about how the purple and gold made his heart race. Thinking about how the colors intertwined, much like himself and Lucifer. But now all he felt was a strange sort of hollowness in his chest as he stared at it. All he felt was pain. The tears that had been welling up he once more pushed back down. There was no time for crying. There was no time to let it all out.

Sandalaphon's feet were silent as he moved through the hallway. His room wasn't far from where Lucifer stayed but he wasn't even sure if the Supreme Primarch was even back at the lab yet. They had said their goodbyes earlier in the day and then... He surprised himself with how much bitterness the words Supreme Primarch held as they rang through his head. When had he grown to these feelings? They tasted terrible in his mouth. Before he hadn't had a reason to feel them. Yet it seemed like the love he felt, the love he had cherished, was somehow tainted with these new emotions.

Why was it that everything he did or had done in the past seemed like it was for nothing now? Breathing hurt. Looking at the sky through the garden trees made him feel as though he was falling. Lately he constantly fell like he was falling when before he found out the truth... He felt lighter than air. Like he was walking on clouds and that nothing could stop him. What he wouldn't give to feel like that again. To feel anything other than the bile rising up in his throat as he choked back tears again. 

Sandalphon wasn't paying attention to where his feet were leading him as he walked. But he was surprised that he found himself in the warm kitchen. It was empty this time of night of course. The only light source coming from a small source that illuminated just enough. It was a precaution for it someone who couldn't see in the dark well came in here. Essentially it was a precaution for him. Lucifer had no trouble with eyes that cut through darkness but he himself didn't have that skill, at least not at a boastable level.

Another one of his imperfections he supposed. Another thing that stopped him from having an actual purpose to fulfill. Perhaps he hadn't been created quite as perfectly as Lucifer had thought. Or maybe Lucifer had actually known all along why he was being created? It was hard for Sandalphon to believe that he had absolutely no idea... He had never doubted Lucifer before, never thought that he could be a liar. But there were many things that he had never thought would happen. 

Increasing the light in the room just a little bit he looked around. Wondering why he had desired to wander this way. Though he already knew. This was a place of comfort for him when Lucifer was gone. The lingering smell of coffee and the thought that once he came back from whatever mission or task he had set upon they would sit here together. Matching cups in hand as they spoke about the aroma and the taste. Lucifer always making sure that their ideals were the same... Commenting about how he was pleased that they were so similar.

Even their cups matched. Something that he used to get butterflies in his stomach over made him sick now. Once again it was purple and gold. Always purple and gold. Were those Lucifer's favorite colors? Were they the colors that he was expected to like just because he was his replacement? An urge came upon him. Carefully he reached out and grabbed one of the cups. The one that he used. Holding it carefully he finally realized just how delicate it really was. If he wanted to he could just... Crush it with his bare hands. He could throw it to the floor and make it shatter... 

There was nothing stopping him from getting rid of this connection between the two of them. And yet Sandalphon felt himself frozen, unable to act. All it would take is some pressure from his hands or just letting go and the cup would be gone. As badly as he wanted to break it though something wouldn't let him. The small glimmer of hope and adoration that still bubbled up inside of him stopped him from ruining their connection by breaking this simple piece of porcelain or glass. Whatever it was. 

Instead Sandalphon stared down at it in his slightly trembling hands. Memories flooding back of all the time that he had waited on every single word that Lucifer had said while they drank together. Desperately his heart ached for those times again. How would he be able to face Lucifer from across the table now? How could he keep his composure not knowing if the man he loved truly had no idea of his purpose? Was Lucifer innocent in all of this, truly? Until he knew he wouldn't be able to do anything. He wouldn't be able to think into the future.

Perhaps it was just childish hope that was wishing and praying that Lucifer had no intentions to harm him with this. That Lucifer hadn't figured out what his purpose was. But when he was all knowing... When he was the Supreme Primarch... His gut wrenched as he gently set the cup back down on the counter. Next to Lucifer's. Just as it always was and just like it always would be. At least until he found out the actual truth behind the matter. Still clinging to the idea that maybe there was some hope in this he could no longer keep the tears he had been struggling to contain inside of him.

Hot and thick tears began to fall onto his cheeks as he stared at the cups on the counter. His breathing starting to grow slightly labored as he tried not to make a noise. The sensation of crying from anything but happiness was new to him and he knew that he wouldn't be able to explain it if he tried. If he got caught then they would know that something was wrong. His best chance was to feign ignorance until he knew how Lucifer stood on all of this but he had never had to do anything more than a white lie. The first time they had coffee together and he had told him he liked it...

But now he was going to have to go further than that now. He couldn't avoid Lucifer but he would have to figure out how to face him, knowing the truth that he knew now. Choking on his own tears he hastily tried to wipe some of them away. It seemed like they would never stop flowing. Sourced from some unknown well of sadness and desperation. All Sandalphon wanted was to erase this from himself. All he wanted was to make the pain stop. But he couldn't and it felt as though nothing would ever be alright again. Taking deep breaths he tried to pull himself together.

His face felt disgusting covered in tears and snot. Crying had left him even more of a mess than just waking up did and it wasn't like he could wander around like this. Turning on the water he splashed some of the cold liquid on his face to try and get cleaned up. There was no telling who else was wandering the halls this late at night and he didn't want to get caught looking anything out of the ordinary. The cold water soothed the heat on his face that came from getting so worked up. He had read at one point that cold water made the puffiness go away after you had cried or something.

Nothing could wash away how he felt inside though. Nothing could stop him from feeling absolutely hopeless. Sandalphon leaned on the counter, his legs all of a sudden feeling weak as he tried so sort things out in his mind. He had no hope for sorting them out in his heart. And he knew no cure for the pain in his stomach either. He had never felt this sort of pain. Desperation yes. But the desperation he held before was to be recognized as someone who had a purpose. 

Now his desperation was rooted in wondering if when Lucifer tired of him his head would be on the chopping block. Thinking that Lucifer himself would be the one to kill him brought tears welling up again but he was strong enough to push them down. At least, if it was him, perhaps he could forgive him for getting rid of him? After all wasn't his existence something of a threat? If he surpassed Lucifer then what would happen? Would he be the one to perish? Could he possibly do that to him? Sandalphon was determined not to cry again. 

Taking a deep breath he steeled himself against the thoughts of death and how it would come about for either of them. As many negative things as he felt right now he couldn't bring himself to wish something ill on Lucifer. His heart just wasn't in it. In fact he almost felt sick enough to vomit. The idea of him being the catalyst to Lucifer's downfall made him sicker and sicker. Choking back bile he made his way over to the stove and lit it. If nothing else he could make something to drink. Though his eyes lingered on the coffee for a moment they turned away just as quickly. He was bitter enough for the time being.

Instead his hands reached for the milk. He would warm it just enough to try and put his nerves at ease. It was a simple trick, one that... Lucifer had shown him. There was something calming about warm milk on a restless night. Sandalphon was sure that this was going to be one of the most restless nights of his life at this point. Carefully he watched and poured just enough milk into the pan. If it bubbled then it could risk cooking and he didn't want that. Staring into the milk he caught just a slight glimpse of his reflection in the pan.

He felt disgusted seeing his own face. It looked like the face of a stranger to him. Twisted in slight anger and disappointment. Many times he had looked in the mirror and never had he been so disgusted with what he saw. Never mind the fact that the pan might have been warping his face just slightly he felt as though the ugliness inside of him was finally coming out. How would Lucifer look upon someone who was so disgusting as he was? As doubtful as he was? 

If Lucifer was innocent in all of this, if he truly had no idea, then Sandalphon had no right to love him regardless. Stewing in his own grief he was quick to anger... But didn't he have a right to be? He... He was more than just a copy. He knew somewhere inside of him that he deserved a better existence than this... In his stewing the milk began to smoke lightly, the bubbles starting to boil. Quickly he grabbed it off of the stove and moved it away from the flames. Cursing himself that he had been so stupid to forget what he was doing. So lost in thought... He truly was a failure. 

In the back of his mind as he stared at the mostly ruined milk all he could hear was the same thing thudding through his brain. Failure was no longer a learning opportunity for him as Lucifer had said. It now felt like a death sentence. With everything that he messed up on it was another mark against his existence. If he couldn't be the perfect replacement for Lucifer then he was absolutely nothing... These walls that he had considered his home and his refuge despite his desire to get out now felt like a prison. 

With only a mild attempt at staying quiet he dumped the milk and pan into the sink. It was bad to be wasteful but he wasn't in the mood for something that would help him sleep at the moment. He wasn't in the mood to be in this kitchen any longer. Once more Sandalphon let his feet do the guiding without much thought to where he would be going. Though there were so few places in this building that he ever cared to go... His eyes lingered however on a white feather on the ground.

There had been a time not long ago that he would have delighted at that beyond measure. It meant that Lucifer had passed through this place not long ago. Beneath his bed was a box of the more pristine feathers that hadn't been swept away by who or whatever cleaned the halls. It was a treat to find the ones that seemed as though they had fallen from him in perfection. The feather he saw now was one of those. Out of instinct Sandalphon stopped and carefully grabbed it. Rolling the quill between his fingers slowly.

The desperate urge he often had to run his fingers through the feathers of Lucifer's wings hit him all at once. He wanted to help him, as he always wanted, get rid of the molting feathers before they made a mess on the floor. He wanted to be close to Lucifer. He wanted... Did what he want matter any longer? Truly? He wasn't even his own person and yet he still felt as though he deserved anything at all? No... Even if his purpose was flawed he still deserved to at least hear the truth from Lucifer. 

Hope still sprang in his chest that the Supreme Primarch would tell him the truth. That Lucifer would tell him that it didn't matter what his purpose was. That no matter what they said he was still absolutely precious. That he was important. Desperately he was clinging to the hope that Lucifer would give him some reason to exist still. As his thoughts drifted he found himself squeezing the quill until finally a noise broke his concentration. The small cracking sound of the quill caving in on itself from the pressure between his fingers.

Remorse. Once again his hands had ruined something perfect. Couldn't he be trusted with even just the smallest of things? Learning the truth had ruined him for everything it seemed. Still, he held onto the feather as he followed the small trail of them. Sandalphon wasn't sure he was ready to see Lucifer yet though. His steps were slow and unsteady as he rounded each corner. Hesitation grabbed him before he entered any door. Knowing that if he wasn't careful he would be leading himself further into heartache. Why had things become like this?

But when he thought about it, weren't they always destined to be? His creation was nothing more than an empty shell. He wasn't even a tool to be used by Lucifer like the other Primarch had been destined to be. He didn't even get that sort of dignity. Bile started to rise up again as Sandalphon continued to wander. And yet he hadn't found Lucifer yet. A surprise since his feathers had seemed to stop some time ago. Perhaps he was being avoided? It would make sense. Perhaps Lucifer was feeling the same sort of doubts and regret that he was?

His heart beat faster as he thought about how Lucifer must be feeling about this entire thing. To learn that someone so close to you had been born to be your replacement. To have to tell them that. Because surely, there was no way that Lucifer would keep this hidden from him. Once again the hope that Lucifer had been just as ignorant to his purpose welled up inside him. His refusal to believe that he had been lied to this entire time just to save face tore at everything else inside him.

Desperately Sandalphon clung to that hope. He needed it more than anything right now. His chest grew tight as he thought about how Lucifer must be avoiding him to attempt to figure things out. How to make things right. How to tell Sandalphon the truth. There was no doubt in his mind that it had to be the case. At least that's what he insisted on telling himself. The delight in thinking that he had figured it out perhaps bubbled up into his chest and out his mouth in a strange sort of laughter. It wasn't how he normally sounded but he was changing he supposed. Everything was changing.

It took a moment for the strange laughter to subside before he started to walk again. A false lightness in his chest now as he tried to subdue the heavy feeling that had been overwhelming him this entire time. Deep down Sandalphon knew that all he was doing was giving himself a false sense of hope. But on the surface he didn't care. All he wanted was to go back to the days where there weren't these complicated emotions plaguing him constantly. Back when all he felt was love. Back when he felt as though he had a bright future ahead of him. 

He was going to cling to that as finally he stopped in front of the last place he wanted to be. The garden. This place had been his one true refuge as he watched Lucifer leave day after day. Waited for him to return night after night. Diligently. Tonight had been one of the few nights he hadn't waited for him. Blaming it on the fact that he was tired or not feeling well. Or the fact that he wanted to awaken even earlier tomorrow. None of those were exactly true but that didn't seem to stop him from being awake now.

With bare feet he stepped out onto the garden pathway. The stones cooled by the night air as he tried not to look up into the night sky. If he saw the stars shining brightly for some reason he felt as though he might lose it again like he had in the kitchen. Desperately he needed some sort of light to cling to and that light had to be his belief in Lucifer. Otherwise he had nothing. He had no one else to cling to in his times of need. So taking a deep breath he continued through the garden. 

His eyes straight ahead instead of looking to the sky as he normally did. No longer was he searching for the silhouette of Lucifer's wings being cast by the light. If anything he would be looking for the shadow now. The bench they had sat side by side at was empty, as expected. The cold stone felt good as he ran his hand over it before finally taking his seat. Still he looked to the ground, refusing to stare up at the leaves of the tree. Even as moonlight streamed down and cast shadow on him from them. Was this to be his life now? Always overcast in shadow?

It was fitting he supposed. Without even knowing it he had been in Lucifer's shadow... No, he had been less than that. He was simply Lucifer's shadow himself. Only able to exist with him in the light. Always trailing behind him. When all he had wanted was to stand side by side. But unless Lucifer could alleviate his fears once and for all the likeliness of that ever happening was low. How desperately he wished for Lucifer's warm hand on his shoulder to reassure him that everything was alright.

Sandalphon would have even settled for nothing more than a warm smile and a gentle explanation. To be told he was worthy... All he wanted was to be worthy of something. Of someone. He was good enough to be given a chance to prove it. Perhaps, if he found a purpose on his own then he would be at more peace of mind? But would he really be able to do that. Riddled with doubt and disgust Sandalphon was lost in his thoughts. Being lost as he was he didn't notice that he was no longer alone.

**"Sandalphon?"**

**"...Lucifer?"**

Sandalphon slowly raised his face from the ground to look upon the familiar face. Unsure of how he looked himself his stomach was in knots. The two stared at each other. Lucifer with a gentle expression, albeit a little on the confused side to see that Sandalphon was out here at this time of night. All by himself. Sandalphon tried to keep his emotions under check as he stared back, unsure of how he should face this. All he wanted to do was break down once more. To let himself start bawling wildly as he looked upon Lucifer. But what would that solve?

His breathing more under control than he thought it would be Sandalphon even managed a small smile. Though of course he was unsure of how convincing it could really be. After all, Lucifer knew all so how long could he really hide this from him? If he hadn't already figured out that something was wrong that is. But the Supreme Primarch stayed his usual distance and in turn returned the small smile. **"It's unusual to see you out this late in the garden, are you unwell?"**

It felt to Sandalphon as though that was something of a loaded question. Nothing was right now and he hadn't ever thought that he would be faced with this dilemma. The smile on Lucifer's face made him melt on the inside and for a moment he felt all of his worries begin to melt away. Just looking at the other man caused Sandalphon to have some relief to his now ever present self-doubt. For a moment he felt like his old self. Light filling his heart and love filling his eyes. 

It felt like desperation to be clinging to it but he couldn't help it. **"I didn't sleep well. I was having some trouble with my thoughts I think."** Sandalphon knew that he was but he didn't want to lay everything out in the open. As desperately as he wanted to tell Lucifer everything something still held him back. Perhaps it was the strange look on Lucifer's face or the idea that he still wasn't sure if Lucifer had known everything from the beginning... 

That he knew just how useless Sandalphon had been from the beginning and led him on with this awful charade that someday he might still be useful. Then it happened. All of a sudden the light he had allowed to push through was once more swallowed by his dreadful and awful feelings. He felt himself drowning in them and the only thing he could cling to were his desperate feelings of affection towards Lucifer. A raft in his sea of negative emotions he clung tightly so that he didn't lose it once more.

**"Lucifer..."** Sandalphon hated to ask again, his heart leaping into his throat as he tried to finish the sentence at hand. **"What is... my purpose?"** Certainly if he was ever going to tell him the truth it would be now. If Lucifer truly meant him no harm then why wouldn't he tell the truth? There was no reason for them to hide from one another. There was no reason for these feelings of loathing to continue. Desperately Sandalphon hoped that this would be the end of all of this.

But Lucifer was silent for a moment. It seemed as though he was thinking. Something that he couldn't tell if it was a good or bad reaction. After all he could be thinking about how to tell him that his purpose was a ridiculous one. That he was his own person and that he would find him a new purpose. One that didn't involve the other perishing or failing to do his duties. That was all he wanted. He could handle this devastation so long as they went through it together.

But unfortunately that wasn't how things had decided to work out this time. **"Don't you think... It's a little late to be thinking about something like that?"** Lucifer's voice was slightly hesitant and the double meaning on the words was not lost on Sandalphon in the slightest. Was it really too late for the two of them? Was everything that they had worked towards all for nothing? Or had he only been imagining everything... Were his emotions and feelings really that one sided? This entire time.

His fist tightened around the pristine feather in his hand so that he could try and keep his composure just a little bit better. He wanted to scream. He wanted to cry. He wanted anything except to have his worst fears realized and yet here he was. Staring Lucifer in the face and only feeling anger instead of the adoring love and admiration that he had grown accustomed to. He could feel the quill of the feather cracking in his hand as he tried to figure out what to say back.

Slowly he stood, fist still clenched and a slightly forced smile on his face. **"You're right, it is too late. I'm sorry to have bothered you with this."** There was nothing more to be said. The weight behind his words hanging heavy in the air between them. It was time that he took his leave of the garden before the weight managed to crush him. Raising his chin high he began his exit from the garden, not stopping when he passed by Lucifer. Instead in fact he felt as though for the first time in his life he was looking past the other man. Though towards what he had no actual idea.


End file.
